Broken and learning

"l, m, n, o, p, q, R, S, T." ".77, .78, .79, .80, .81...$564.81" The last few weeks I have been learning a lot about humility, serving, value, identity and how to say my alphabet and count to 100! The Lord has been so gracious to provide work for me here in PA, but it is far from Residence Life! I have done everything from stuff envelopes, to babysit at the Presidents house, to ringing up textbooks in the bookstore, to filing stacks and stacks of papers in HR, to being the administrative assistant in dining services--where one of my jobs it to count thousands of dollars worth of money each week. The first few days I was just grateful, but quickly I found myself feeling I was above these tasks and I felt myself wanting justify to everyone that I have my Master's degree and that I am only here temporarily so that is why I am doing these jobs and that I am going on the mission field, so, so, so. I've heard the Lord challenging me and asking me why I was finding so much value in what I "do." I realized that I place different value on people based on their work. I realized that I find my own identity and value based in what I am doing and how I am needed. I realized that I have been a bit proud about the fact that I'm going overseas--as if it weren't the Lord's doing at all. I have quickly seen an ugly side of myself.

Next the Lord said to me, "I know you think that you will really be serving me when you get to India, but this is sacrifice and service for me right now. If you are too proud to do these tasks with a humble, gentle spirit, than what makes you think you will have anything to give to me in India?" (I am planning on going to Calcutta to work at Mother Teresa's home for the dying in Jan.) With a humble and broken spirit I come to the Lord to ask him to change me and make me new.

Then, today, I met this precious man from Vietnam. He works in our dishroom--all day, every day. And he's been doing it for 17 years. Prior to that he spent 6 years in prison in Vietnam and prior to that he was a general in the army before communism took over and the war broke out. I was amazed at this mans humility and gratitude. I learned so much from a half hour conversation with this saint.

I knew I would learn, grow, and be challenged while here in PA, but I didn't think it would be so quickly and I for sure didn't think it would be in this way. And I didn't think I would be learning so much about my value, identity, purpose and what it means to be a servant. I pray that the Lord will continue to reform and reshape my mind and my heart in this time of preparation and waiting. Thank you Lord for caring enough to break me in order to better use me.

Happy Birthday to me...

Today is my birthday, my 33rd to be exact. I woke up this morning excited to celebrate the day. I love birthdays--mine and anyone elses. Perhaps that is because I love life. I love the journey of life, with it's joy and pain, happiness and sorrow, excitement and mundane. I woke up this morning and went for a run--that is one of the things I hope to do on every birthday for as long as I am able. After some good quiet time I walked to work and then worked all day--grateful for the provision of work. I recieved several phone calls and facebook posts, making me feel very loved. I spent the evening celebrating with my dear friend Amy and new friends Rhonda and Liz. We drove an hour to Chipotle, another 10 minutes to Cost Plus World Market, another ten to Trader Joes, and then another twenty to Caribou Coffee. That meant we had to drive a good hour and a half back home. But it was well worth it. A night celebrating some of my favorite things! I am reminded tonight of all the good things that the Lord has bestowed upon me in the last 33 years and I have much joy. And, I can't help but wonder what the next year will hold. Where will I celebrate my 34th? How will I grow and change. Who will I meet? Where all will I go? What will be the happiest moments? What will be the sadest? What will bring the most beauty? Such anticipation! I do know that the year will be filled with much excitement as I will be spending at least half of it overseas in a new part of God's world and God's people. I have a sense of anticipation, hope, and a hint of fear of the unknown. There are many things I desire for this next year...some of which I have control over and many of which I don't. But mostly, my greatest heart's desire is to spend this year persuing hard after my Abba Father. An song has come to mind and is my motto for this year: "Oh Lord, give me one pure and holy passion, to know and follow hard after you." And in the words of Natasha Bedingfield I'm "staring at the blank page before me....the rest is still unwritten!"

He talks to me...

This afternoon I sat on some rocks that jutted out into the Pacific Ocean. I thought that I had heard clearly from the Lord that I was supposed to go to Cambodia with YWAM, but then a few days ago I got confused. So I had decided that I would go sit on these rocks and wait until I heard a clear direction from the Lord. And I didn't have to sit there long before two things happened...
1) As I sat there looking out over the waves pounding the shore I suddenly realized that the other side of this very ocean, these very waves, is SE Asia! This very water also laps up on the beaches in Cambodia. I felt a pure sense of God saying "yes, that is where I want you to go!" And in some weird way, it made me feel like I was already there, because I could see the same thing that they could see. My God is that big. Amazing!!
2) The waves were getting bigger and bigger, but I didn't think they could hit me and I really didn't want to leave...I felt this pure peace and confirmation, I love the ocean and the water, and it always makes me feel close to the Father. Then, all of the sudden, a big wave washed up over the rocks! I jumped up, but not nearly in time to avoid getting quite wet! But instead of being annoyed I felt like it was the Lord's love, the love he has for me and also for his children in SE Asia and all over the world, coming right up out of the ocean and washing over me. I laughed---perhaps even giggled! In that moment I knew that Jesus truly has poured himself out for me, but also for the lost everywhere. And I knew that it was nothing special about me going or anything I have to offer, but it is only the love of Christ washed over and in me that I have to offer to anyone.
And so, I came home and emailed Battambang, Cambodia to tell them it's official, I'm coming. I can hardly wait. Thank you Lord for the way you care about each of us enough to speak so clearly and loudly and with such beauty. "Oh How He Loves!"