I Am Not Afraid

We sat on the wooden floor of Om Lan's home as she told us about how no one dared to build a house on the land where she built because of the evil spirits that live there. In Cambodia they believe very much in the spirit world and are very afraid of evil spirits. However, Om (Auntie) was not afraid because she knows the power that she has in Jesus Christ over the evil one. I was so humbled and encouraged by her faith. There have been no attacks of the enemy since she has lived there and she is being a shining light to those around that Christ overcomes the power of darkness. She also told us about how when her neighbors need rice, she brings them rice, or if they need to borrow her ox cart, she lets them borrow—for free. When I told her that she is living her life like Jesus would, she said, “Of course, that is what he told us to do!” I was again so humbled by the faith and actions of Cambodian believers. I think I am coming to encourage them, but they, instead, challenge and encourage me. Mutual encouragement…that is how the body of Christ is supposed to function!

I continue to be full of conflicting thoughts and emotions…encouraged by the incredible believers we meet, and discouraged by the fact that there are so, so, so many that still have never heard of Jesus Christ. It’s not like they are rejecting him, they have never had the opportunity to hear about him. I feel hopeless, lost, despair, and confused about what it means to bring life to this dying world—not American life, but the life of Jesus. And then I get to spend time in worship and am full of hope, encouragement, and a sense of purpose. My eyes are opened to see the kingdom of God here in this country and in these people’s lives. One minute I feel completely at home here and like I could live here and share Jesus with these people forever, and the next minute all I can think about is my down comforter, a hamburger, and sitting around the table playing games with my family. I am constantly learning to die to self and to live for him. And I am continually learning that we were not created for this life, but for the kingdom of God and for an eternal relationship with him.

Again we were able to share with a family who had never heard of Christianity or of Jesus Christ about who he is, why he came to earth, why we need him, and how very much he loves us! After we shared for a while we asked them what they were thinking and the woman said, “I feel very warm and happy. I like what you are telling me.” I am very excited because we will be going back to this same village for part of our final outreach. I continue to invite you to make this your journey—not just here in Cambodia, but in everyday of your life—asking how you can share Jesus, be Jesus, see with Jesus’ eyes, and be bringing the kingdom of God to your world. After all, that is what it is all about!

Life in Battambang

I am learning that God really is good. But it has come through having to look at life differently and ask some hard questions. Honestly, there have been some really difficult days. The reality of life in a third world country has set in. And the reality of what life is for so many hits me every day. And there is so much lostness! I have met so many people that have literally never even heard the name Jesus Christ before! That is so hard to imagine. I daily see kids living on the streets, the slum village, beggars, trash...my heart breaks and I am continually asking what am I to do? What does Jesus want me to do? How do we "fix" such a big problem? Kids sniffing glue, streets flooded with trash and sewage when it rains, little kids going through garbage to find some trash that can be sold, little girls being sexually abused by drunk fathers, neighbors and brothers, people without legs due to land mines, boys and mothers being beaten by drunk fathers, a country still healing from a decade of war and genocide. Sometimes I just want to shut it all off, pretend it isn't right outside my front door. But I know that is not what Jesus wants. And in them midst of all that I am meeting a new face of God and it is so beautiful! I am continually being broken and put back together. I am always being lurred back into the arms of my Abba Father...his intimate, loving embrace. I am learning what it means to live life in the spirit and to bring the Kingdom of God with me everywhere I go, because I am caring the Living God of the Universe inside of me all the time! I am learning what it means to live a life of evangelism. I am tasting new foods, a rediculously hot climate, and meeting some of the most beautiful people ever. Some of the landscapes are breath taking. It really is a beautiful country. It is so amazing to get to bring Jesus to these people. I am humbled and honored. We see miracles, experience God in real ways, and are learning to lean on him and trust like never before. In the midst of the difficult I see the beautiful. God's children. His world. His heart. His love. Welcome to everyday life in Battambang, Cambodia!

We Need A Miracle!

“We need to pray for a miracle from God.” Our school leaders told us on Wednesday night. “Tomorrow the money for our lecture portion of DTS is due and we still need $2,088. We need God to move.”

For the average American $2,000 is a lot of money, but not quite miracle worthy. But here in Cambodia $2,000 is more than two years wages for the average person. Most of the students couldn’t afford the $150 to pay their school fees. The DTS bank account was empty. Where were we ever going to come up with this much money? And it wasn’t just about the money…if it didn’t come in, it meant that people were going to have to go home. Our family would be split up. None of us wanted that. So, as we met, prayed and worshiped on Wednesday night we decided to fast on Thursday. We were admitting the fact that we are desperate for God. And not just for him to provide this money, but for Him. We wanted to be desperate for deeper revelation and deeper intimacy with Jesus. We were also challenged with doing what we could and trusting God to do the rest. People sold their phones, did people’s laundry, gave away their own personal possessions, and then trusted God to move.

As Thursday unfolded it was so exciting to see how God moved! Students came with generous hearts. We prayed, worshiped, fasted, prayed, and continued to believe God would provide. As the day wore on, the number kept getting smaller and smaller. I want to personally say thank you to all of you who financially supported me because God provided more than what I needed and as I asked God what to do with that money he told me to give a big chunk towards the school fees. You were being an answer to prayer even more than you realized! It truly is more blessed to give than to receive!

As dinner time came instead of eating we gathered together to continue praying and celebrating. I felt like God had told me that if there was any money still needed that I was to go up to my room, get a check, and write it out for the total amount (again, this would be from the excess support that came in). They told us about each donation that had come in…and we were left with $144.09! I went up stairs, got my check and gave it to the school leaders. I was so humbled that God would use me to unfold his “miraculous provision!” I cried as I remembered how in December as all your money came in I knew would be able to bless my schoolmates, but did not know who they were, and how now I love each one so much! I was overwhelmed by his goodness and that he chooses to use me.
I wish I could paint a picture that would capture what happened next…they announced to us that the final money came in (and explained where it came from—supporters in America!) and the room burst out into cheers, laughter, crying, jumping up and down, hugging and prayers of thanksgiving to God. They put zeros behind the remaining names and a big zero in the balance box. And then we prayed and worshiped. The singing, dancing, shouting, jumping up and down—it was truly a praise offering to their God; the God who had miraculously provided for their needs! I stood in the back and wept. It was so beautiful. So fresh. So alive! And then I joined in and danced!!! I am learning so much about what it means to live a generous life, a sacrificial life, and to trust God for literally everything. Most of my schoolmates now literally have zero dollars in their pockets. But their hearts are full of faith and trust and they are walking with such expectancy and joy. I am beginning to desire their position over mine.

Just wait for the story that is to come about how God is going to provide the $33,000 we need for outreach fees!!!! I need an increase in faith for this one! More to come on that later. Thank you again for your faithful support and for being a part of this miracle and this ministry. God bless you!

Oh How He Loves!

It was a long, bumpy ride in the back of a feed truck. But, upon arrival in the small, remote village, the air was heavy with a feeling of expectancy. After two days of travel we had finally arrived at our outreach site. We were ready for what God had in store for us in this place and ready to pour out a love offering to Christ over these people.

I could immediately tell that this week was going to stretch me. I knew that I would need God to show up in a powerful way for me. It took until the end of the week, but, of course, he did! Shortly after we arrived something popped in my knee again--just like last year when I needed to have surgery. I was angry, in pain, confused, and honestly a bit scared. My team prayed for me and then I had to humble myself and get carted around everywhere on the back of a moto (glorified moped) for the week. I hated having special attention, I hated not being able to always be with the group, and I hated feeling like I was being a burden. I was sure God would heal me the next day. It wasn't until three days later when I was feeling pretty low, pretty selfish, and quite frustrated that God revealed his amazing plan.

Earlier in the week I had met Chan, a good friend of one of the leaders on my team, Channouen. Chan is a teacher in the local school and didn't know Jesus. He came to one of our "youth" meetings and seemed real interested, but left before I could talk to him (He speaks pretty good English.) On Friday afternoon I was sick of riding the moto and I decided to walk. Channouen, my faithful driver, wasn't around and I was glad. However, after about 5 minutes of walking, I hear the hum of the little engine and sure-enough, there he is. "K-vo, come on, you shouldn't be walking." I was annoyed, frustrated, angry, and honestly wished he wasn't such a polite guy! But I knew it wasn't worth arguing, so I hopped on.

Not more than a minute down the road we pass the school where Chan is a teacher, and, just as we are driving by, he is pulling out! "Hey friends! So good to see you, will you come visit with me?" Of course we say yes and go sit with him. A long story short, after an hour and half of talking with him and sharing more about Jesus, Chan tells us that he wants to ask Jesus into his heart to be his Lord and Savior! We were able to pray with him and celebrate together! A new life was born! Hallelujah!

Instantly I heard God speak to me, "Kovonne, had your knee not been hurt, you would not have been on that moto right then. My timing is perfect and my plans are so much higher than yours! Trust me!" I instantly repented of my anger and frustration and praised God for the crazy ways he chooses to use us. And, to top it off, I also heard him tell me that my knee was going to be okay. It isn't totally 100% yet, but it was instantly about 95% better. That night I was able to jump around and dance in worship! And the next day we got caught in a rain storm and had so much fun running through the rice-fields in the rain...all without any pain!

Praise God for the ways he chooses to use us, for the lengths he will go to bring one of his own to himself, and for how desperately he loves us. Please pray for Chan (on the right in the photo--Channouen is on the left) and his new found faith in the Lord. Also pray for the many others that we were able to share the good news of the gospel with--many of whom had never even heard the name of Jesus! And continue to pray for an increase in faith and trust, in my life, in your life, and in all of our lives. To this amazing God all glory, honor, and power!

I want to know Him!

At The Cross

At The Cross
“At the cross….sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.” This song captures much of my heart for the past few weeks. We have been brought again and again to the cross. And with each return, I am brought to deeper brokenness but with that, deeper surrender. Last week our teacher explained it as having heart surgery. And that is quite often what I feel like is going on. God is taking my old heart of stone, and replacing it with a new heart of love…his heart of love. And, like surgery, it is at times very painful. But, with the successful surgery, comes new life! And literally a new ability to breathe, run, jump, play, worship and love life! That is what I feel has been happening to me in the five weeks that I have been here. There have been many tears shed on the floor of the water house (our classroom—it is literally a room out in the middle of the pond!), but with each one the Lord has continually told me, sometimes in a whisper, other times a shout, “You are mine, I see you, there is nothing I condemn you for, and I love you!” At times it has been very painful to see my true self, the things I hold onto and try to put on the throne with God…my desires, my hopes and dreams, my reputation. Salvation is free. Becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ costs everything! EVERYTHING! Am I willing to give everything to follow this God? Do I know what that costs? Is this God really worth it? This past week we spent the entire week learning the answer…YES! This God that asks for everything from me gives me himself in return! A God that is infinite, all powerful, all knowing, all present, is all good, all loving, all forgiving, all faithful, all just, all merciful, all gracious, all kind, all Holy, a God that is Father, King, Lord, Savior, Counselor, and Friend desires to give me his very self! That is his original plan—to be in relationship with me, his beloved. God’s plan to send his son wasn’t just to save me from sin, it was to save me back into the very original plan that he had for his creation—to be in relationship with it. That is the very purpose he created—for relationship. He doesn’t want to just be partially my friend, sometimes my Savior, or my Lord on the weekends, He desires a perfect, full relationship! That is good news!!
And so I knelt at the cross, asking for forgiveness for the things I keep taking off the alter and trying to put on HIS throne. We took off our shoes in an act of declaring ourselves slaves to the gospel. And I committed to go—to go where ever it is that this good news has not gone. After all, there are so many in the world that have no opportunity to hear this good news, have no opportunity to stand before the cross, and have never been invited into a relationship with the very creator of their souls. I stand at the cross again and I count the cost and say, “I’m all in!” I am all in for you are God and you are so worth it! The cost may be great, but nothing in comparison to the cost you paid to ransom my soul, and nothing compared to the cost of people, people that I am coming to know and love not knowing their God, and nothing in comparison to the reward of knowing my Jesus intimately! And each time I humble myself, surrender, and go before the cross, Christ meets me there in deeper surrender, deeper intimacy, and a deeper passion. And that is what it is all about…continuing to go deeper and deeper into the heart of God—a God that longs for nothing more than to share his heart with us! Now that is good news!!

"Abandon It All...For The Sake Of The Call"

“We will abandon it all, for the sake of the call!” This is an old-school Steven Curtis Chapman song, but it quite accurately describes the feel I get around Cambodian believers. The people that I have met in the past few weeks have given me a new perspective on what it means to give it all up for the Lord. Many of them have literally zero dollars in their pockets, have left jobs, family, and everything they have ever known to come study about Jesus. And they have abandoned it all when it comes to worship as well—these people have such joy, passion, and love in worship. Sometimes I just stand in the back and laugh because I am so filled with joy that I don’t know what else to do. Other times their passion brings me to tears. Always it is driving me more and more to my knees to beg for more intimacy with the Father. And their love of life, games, play…it is contagious! Cambodians love to play games, and they are abandoned and childlike in that as well. Yes, it has already been sweet.

Each day I have worship and/or intercession, 3 hours of class, Khmer lessons (yep, I’m learning to speak Cambodian!), some sort of ministry in the afternoon and then either more class, evangelism, community night gathering, or a “mystery night!” in the evenings. And I LOVE it! I have already been broken so much, put back together again and again, and am falling more and more deeply in love with my Lord and King! They are all about application in YWAM, so we have done several powerful things that have really brought me into deeper intimacy. I wish I could go into it all, but I don’t even know where to start. Week 1 was all about identity and finding it in Christ and not the box we typically put ourselves in…powerful. We ended the week by breaking our boxes and opening ourselves up to the freedom we have in the cross. Week 2 was on “Hearing God’s Voice!” Again, more powerful stuff…and plenty of time to practice actually hearing God speak to us! It’s been amazing! I have heard God speak to me before, but it wasn’t on a regular basis, I am learning that he wants to speak to me all the time and all I need to do is listen. And he has told me some super sweet things! This week is on the “Cost of Discipleship” and it is all about making Jesus great. Really, bottom line, that is what it is all about. We are learning to fall desperately in love with Jesus and it is the sweetest thing I’ve ever known!

I am also learning to love Cambodian culture and it’s people. They really are some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met…their smiles light up any room! They have a rich history of enduring faith, and a passion that doesn’t end. I’m already amazed at how 45 of us can feel like a family and how I can love each of them so dearly. I am 10-15 years older than most of them, but it doesn’t feel that way—they have embraced me and love me just like one of them. I’m learning that God’s kingdom is no respector of age, education, race, knowledge, or influence. It’s all about a heart surrendered to Jesus. And so, that is where I am at…learning how to more fully surrender my heart to Jesus. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done!